How to love

So these days, I'm deeply thinking about all of the relationships I had before. A lot of people just don't know my romance. People don't know how bad luck I usually had, neither do I like to talk about it. I never had a long relationship. Never never. And I was seriously offen the third one who broke the others' relationships. Why was it like that? I really don't understand.
There's the thing I've always wanted to tell myself.
You know exactly how annoying you were when you had a boyfriend. You had so many  problems and questions. Was there one day without guessing this or that? Was there one day you lived without your cellphone without the messages or phone calls. I just wonder a lot. How you will handle it in the future?
I'm just waiting for kind of an easy relationship. People say it's better to have no one than have a bad one. That was how the other Taiwanese girls told me. Well... I just don't think he was that bad. Perhaps in some cases, he could really be counted as an A-hole. Was I really in love with him? It's pretty difficult to say it. Normally, I fell in love easily: I mean not with strangers but with the ones we really had 'something' together. Remember how much I cried for the one-month relationship with him? I was so innocent at that time. I thought everything would be like movie or the series, it was anyhow not like that at all.
The other thing to learn in a relationship is to know how to say goodbye. It's always a difficult question. I just never know how to act properly after passing the end of a relationship. Are we still friends? It's always a good question. No one will ever knows how it is or how it will be. I tried to be friendly after we broke up, but did he really care? No. None of my ex-boyfriends cared about me after.
I still think that life is an accident that you'll never know what will happen in the next moment.
Thanks for reading this meaningless post I don't even know how the point is. It's just my complicating mood when thinking of him, him or him.
I don't really know what love is, neither do I think that I've already loved someone or I'm able to love.
Wait and we'll see... how it is.